MR Photogenic
by Liu Wei
Summary: Fighting gods in gowns. Konzen singing. Gods gone crazy. Dedicated to NAtaku TAishithe author
1. Idea

I. The Idea

The Lotu's Pond's surface rippled in the breeze, blurring the numerous images seen in the crystalline waters, through the spaces between the foliage of lotus leaves. 

Overseeing Kanzeonbosatsu quietly and amusedly peered through her binoculars, watching a seemingly interesting scene below. 

"Kanzeon bosatsu, Tentei is calling for you." said Jiroushin as he entered the bosatshiva's observatory.

"Hmm?" Kannon answered distractedly.

"Tentei is looking for you." her servant repeated.

"Tell that old man I'm busy," Kannon said, unconcerned, as she leaned forward to get a better view of Gekai.

Jiroushin brought his brows together and approached his master. "Kanzeon bosatsu, he says it's important."

Kannon scoffed. "Important? I bet it's just about his birthday celebration." 

"Demo-"

Kannon decided to come anyway, to get it over with. She stood up and went to see Tentei.

"What is it you called me for?" Kannon asked impatiently as she stood up before Tentei, not showing an inkling of respect, her hands on her hips.

Tentei tried not to scowl at her rudeness and cleared his throat.

"You will arrange a contest for my birthday celebration next month. I expect it to be an entertaining one."

Kannon raised a puzzled brow. "A contest?"

"Yes?" said Tentei. "You, of all major gods, have never contributed to my birthday celebration. Therefore, you will be in charge of an entertaining  contest for me."

"Whatever." Kannon muttered and turned away before she was given permission to.

The goddess walked back to the lotus pond, her arms folded.

"A contest?" she repeated, scoffing at the idea.

She mused over the subject while she walked and when she reached the lotus pond, she saw Jiroushin, standing before her. He was holding a dress in front of him.

"I believe this is yours, Kanzeonbosasu?"

Kannon stared at Jiroushin. He was holding the dress by the collar, hanging it in front of him, holding it for Kannon to see.

"You should really be careful of your things. I found it _in the pond- don't know how it got there…"_

Kannon was hardly listening. She was staring pensively as a thought rushed to her mind. Suddenly, she grabbed the dress from him and kissed him on the cheek.

"You're a genius!" she said.

Jiroushin blinked stupidly, staring disbelievingly at his master. Kannon was smiling wide. She was going to give Tentei the most entertaining contest on his birthday yet.

-end of chapter 1-


	2. Proclamation

II. The Proclamation 

"_Say what?_" said Konzen Douji, hardly daring to believe what he had heard.

Jiroushin read the paper he was holding one more time. "Kanzeonbosatsu orders all gods with titles from ages 500-8000 to join the Cross-Dressing Pageant on Tentenni's birhtday. The contestant must be male and will dress up like women. Only Tentei is the exemption."

An echo of complaints and groans came from the crowd of gods gathered in the Tenkai square.

"Hell, no hag will make me dress up like a woman!"

"What kind of an idiot made that woman in charge?"

"No way I'll wear high-heeled shoes!"

Jiroushin tried to silence them.

"It was co-signed by Tentei himself. I'm sorry, but what was said is final. You have no other choice. Either obey or be banished from Tenkai-that was the order."

More groans and complaints.

Tenpo, who was at the back of the crowd, started to think of what to wear. Kenren Taisho grumbled and joined the others in reading the poster Jiroushin had just pasted on the wall. 

There was going to be a night gown competition and a talent competition. Darn. Who heard of a fighting god wearing a gown? Kenren read on. There was a 5-M Yen prize. Kannon had thought of everything so no one would get out of joining the contest.

Kenren trudged away. In times like this, there's only one person to turn to.

"Yung Lei, where is that roast I told you prepare?" yelled Misao, the goddess of chastity from the parlor.

Yung Lei left the stir-fry she was making and went to the oven. "It's almost ready!" she yelled over her shoulder.

Since she joined the army, her mother had been more strict and hostile than ever. All Lei could do was obey like a good daughter. She didn't even dare tell her mother that she had been promoted to lietenant a week before.

Lei turned the oven to 'high' and lifted the stir-fry from the stove. She was just about to make stew when the door bell rang.

"Yung Lei, will you get that?" yelled her mother.

"Hai!" answered Lei.

She rushed out of the kitchen and to the door.

"Nande?" she asked as she opened the door.

Outside were  Kenren, Shien, Homura, Nataku, and even Konzen. They were all looking sulky.

"Eh? What are you all doing here?"

Kenren stepped forward and explained that they needed help for the contest.

"We don't know anyone else." Kenren added.

"Oh. Well. I'm sorry, but I can't talk to you right now." Yung Lei said, looking nervously over her shoulder. "I'll meet you all later, okay?"

She closed the door just as her mother screamed, "Yung Lei, what's that I smell burning?"

Lei shrieked and ran to the kitchen, where a cloud of smoke was forming.

-end of chapter 2-  


	3. Preperations

III. Preparations

"Stand straight and keep your shoulders relaxed," suggested Lei as she tapped Kenren's shoulder with a fan.

Being the only woman in the army, Lei was the only consultant her friends could find. The deity was now faced with the burden of turnign fighters into geishas.

Zeon, Shien, Homura, Kenren, Nataku, and Konzen all stood in a row in Lei's living room, each one of them wearing shoes with 3-inch high heels. Lei walked back and forth, correcting their posture like a military superior.

"This is ridiculous," muttered Konzen as he balanced himself, his face contorted in a frown.

"You'll have to get used to it," said Lei. "Or you'll trip on the stage."

Nataku walked around, tapping the heels loudly on the floor.

"Oooh, these things make me look tall," Nataku exclaimed as he stared at his feet.

"Nataku-sama, don't walk too loudly." told Lei.

The fighting god nodded and tried to walk more daintily, but the heels still tapped loudly.

Lei made the men walk around her living room, tottering and stumbling, till their feet hurt.

"Is this all we have to do?" Zeon grumbled. 

"No." Lei answered. "You still have to shave your legs."

Konzen scowled. "What for?"

"Women don't have curly hairs on their legs." Lei answered as she corrected Zeon's posture. She suddenly started walking away distractedly. "I think mom still has some of that wax I need…"

Lei walked away dreamily and went to a room behind a blue door, leaving the six to sway on top of their shoes. Five minutes later, she stuck her head out of the door and called, "I found the wax. Who wants to go first?"

The men looked at each other. No one seemed to like to go.

"I'll go!" Nataku volunteered eagerly.

"I don't think you have to go through this, Nataku-sama." said Lei. "But you can help me."

"Yosh!" Nataku exclaimed and tottered to the room, his feet slipping inside his over-sized shoes. "Shien, come on. You go first." the child-like fighting god called over his shoulder.

Shien walked nervously after him, while the other four stared curiously after him.

A few minutes later, Shien's shrill scream of pain came from behind the blue door. The men outside jumped and exchanged nervous looks.

"What are they doing in there?" Kannon asked nervously.

What horrible thing made Shien scream like that?

A slight terror slinking into their minds, they stared at the door as if it was a door to a gas chamber they were about to go into.

Lei suddenly emerged from the room and again called, "Who's next?"

Konzen seemed apathetic, but Homura, Zeon and Homura immediately shook their heads. 

"What, no volunteers?" 

Nataku, too popped out of the room and went out. To their horror, he approached the four, grabbed Kenren's arm, and hauled him over to the room, the General gluing his feet to the floor.

As Kenren disappeared inside the room, Homura and Zeon looked at each other with dread.

-end of chapter- 

What d'ya think? I'm kinda new on writing humor… Please review it so I know where I stand.


	4. The Big Night

Liu Wei (puts palms together): Sorry for the long-delayed update. I was kind of busy. * rubs eyes sleepily* Okay, so I was a bit TOO busy. But hey, I WAS able to update, right? I'm quite short on funny ideas, too. Well, you'll have to make do with this one…

IV. The Big Night

Cluttered streets, rows and rows of night stalls, and bright, star-like lights would describe Tentei's birthday celebration. Amazingly and oddly enough, people were genuinely interested in partaking in the normally boring event, thanks to a non traditional cast who set everything up, although most of the credit went to the night's most awaited event: the Tenkai Cross-dressing Pageant.

An unlucky bunch of 99 gods (mostly fighting-gods) and a mere half-a-dozen real ladies bustled behind the long, red curtains built right in the center of the Tenkai Square. 

The men hesitantly put on their dresses, occasionally cringing in disgust, and unwillingly asked the nearest female for help. This meant that Yung Lei would dart here and there, tending to a needy soldier.

"Kenren, that's not blush-on, that's lipstick. Here, use this-" she hurriedly said and flew to another corner of the room, while Kenren muttered irritatedly to himself, "Why do women have to wear complicated stuff, anyway?"

Tenpo was comfortably walking around in his dress, apparently less burdened by what the rest of the gods called a 'cruel punishment'. Zeon grumbled as he crawled into his bit of clothing, which got ripped at the back and had to be sewn. Homura felt confident and rather thrilled (probably because of the 5-M-Yen prize), while Konzen mumbled something about indecencies and bringing shame to themselves. Shien just stood quietly in a corner with his arms folded and his jaw clamped shut. Nataku, on the other hand, had less trouble and fitted into anything Lei suggested him to wear.

Fifteen minutes later, a voice yelled over the noise of the backstage and said, "Get ready! Show's up in 10 minutes!"

Soon enough, a large crowd formed at the Tenkai Square after the birthday feast and the never-to-be-removed speech of the Heavenly monarch. Tentei seated himself in the front, while Kanzeon crossed her legs in the seat beside him.

Five minutes than the allotted time, the spotlights turned on and directed onto the decorated stage, and a second later, Egan Gyouja (remember the ape-faced deity who brought Goku before Kanzeon?) appeared on the stage.

Konichiwa, mina-san!" he yelled through the microphone. "Welcome to the first ever Tenkai Cross-Dressing Pageant!" Egan smiled as a song began to play, and then waved to the other end of the stage as the curtains rose.

"And now, let's meet are… err… contestants in their casual wear!"

Cheers erupted from the audience as one-by-one, the contestants walked onto the stage. All ninety contestants actually fitted on the large stage. It was like a parade of genetically abnormal women. Some though, looked quite presentable.

Shien swayed slightly as he walked onto the stage in a red qi pao (complete with the high hair buns), his expression hardly readable. Homura, however, wore a wide smile as he walked in a pink kimono and holding a fan and a paper umbrella. His hair was in a decorated bun and the ribbon around his waist closely resembled Rinrei's. Kenren hardly cared about what he wore and paraded as though he was still in his pants. What he wore was a leather mini-skirt, revealing his muscular (and mercifully waxed) legs. Underneath his leather blazer was a red tube and his favorite skull pendant was around his neck. Konzen was in a Britney Spears outfit (you know, the gross combination of a hanging blouse and low-waist pants). It was a great mystery how anyone could force Konzen to wear such a ridiculous outfit. Zeon, on the other hand, was… indescribably horrible-looking (so never mind him). The fighting-god Nataku Taishi was unnoticeable on the stage.

The rest of the men were going red with shame, and some (yes, including Konzen) were looking murderous and would probably send to hell the first person who laughs at them, and yet a fair few didn't have shame at all. (Kenren, you say?)

Egan tried not to guffaw (which caused tears to well from his eyes) and turned his eyes away from the Heavenly Army's Marshall, who was dressed in a maid's outfit.

"Thank you, uh… ladies-no-contestants." Egan announced as the whatever- you-call-'ems walked from the stage.  "And that's our first glance at our contestants. Before we head to the night gown competition, let's hear it for the Heavenly Army's battalion Alpha, who are here to give as an intermission number."

As the cheers of the audience drowned the speaker's booming of the song "Sex Bomb", the 'contestants' rushed to get their gowns on. Ten minutes later, Egan sprang back onto the stage.

"Thank you, battalion Alpha. Going back to our program, give a round of applause for the first batch of contestants in their nightgowns!"

It was… how would you say…disturbing. The audience half-laughed and half-rooted for the contestants. It took a lot of self-control for most of the cross-dressers to try and keep from forming an energy ball and blowing up the whole audience in annoyance. 

Kenren appeared in the second batch in a shimmering, red gown that had a slit that reached high above his thigh. He even had a white shawl around his neck. Tenpo wore a plain black gown that was thankfully 'decent' and wore his usual, perpetual smile. A white, silken, gown was wrapped around Homura's body, and a large, blue ribbon kept his ebony hair in a ponytail. Amazingly enough, he was quite beautiful. Shien was in a blue gown with a Chinese collar (and he walked awkwardly, too), and Konzen wore a backless, spaghetti- strapped gown (daring today, isn't he?).

Most of the guys were easy to recognize, but when a child went onto the stage, no one had a clue on who he was. The beautiful thing had long, black waves of hair that looked more like twirled strands of silk around his immaculate face. His (or more likely to be called 'her') yellow eyes shone brightly like a child's, but upon closer inspection revealed that he was much older. It took an entire minute of staring before the Army's high commander was noticed by his men.

"Oh, God, it's Nataku!" exclaimed the first soldier. "Nataku-sama's in a _dress_!"

It wasn't as much that he was in dress. It was more of a shock to have hardly noticed him.

Speaking of the dress, Nataku's was an attractive cross of old English style and a few modern re-modifications.

After all the contestants had stepped onto the stage and gone, Egan announced the start of the talent portion.

One-by one, the contestants either sang, danced, or recited a monotone poem. The audience was particularly filled with mirth while watching the contestants make fools out of themselves.

After a couple of contestants were done, Kenren's turn came. The brazen fighting-god stepped onto the stage in his earlier outfit (the first one) and holding a microphone. The crowd cheered wildly when he lifted his hands for an applause. Then, he began to rap.

"…you better never let it go. Do not miss your chance to blow, this opportunity comes once in a lifetime, Yo!" went Kenren, his waving his arm in the air.

After the General's performance, Tenpo Gensui was on.

The Heavenly Marshall was dressed in a female rock star outfit (complete with the impossibly large bust and  miniskirt), an electric guitar hanging from a strap around his shoulder. Though most were rooting for him, some were laughing insultingly. Tenpo smiled unaffectedly and signaled the sounds committee to start his song. (Let's see if you can remember this one. I can't remember the first part, but here goes the Chorus…) 

"Jung fuu ni kaishaku suru naraba…altogether now! Tora tora uma, tora tora uma, ribi-libidou (ribilibidou). Kohi kohi kohi, Kohi kohi kohi, Kohi cogito (ergo suum)…(I forgot this part^_^)…hima na do, samurai nya nai no da…"

(Yaiba's a classic. Hehehe…)

Next was another song number.

Kenren was dressing up at the time when he heard an unusually beautiful voice singing. He stopped for a while to listen, and when he had an idea on who it might be, he couldn't believe himself.

"No, it can't be…"

He hopped towards the curtains, half of his left leg in a stocking. He stumbled and fell painfully, just before being able to peer through a slit between the curtains.

Kenren's jaw dropped. Konzen Douji stood on the stage in a long, violet dress, his back (naturally) facing Kenren. And what was unbelievable (even more than the god's backless dress) was the fact that Konzen was singing something very unlikely that Kenren cleared his ears to make sure he was hearing right.

"…I'll be…waiting for you, here inside my heart. I'm the one who wants to love you more…"

Defying the possible, Konzen's voice was _beautiful_. Not female, but siren-like nonetheless. 

Kenren would have given a sly comment when Konzen went backstage, but the blonde god cast him a look that said quite plainly, _Don't you dare utter a word or you'll be spending the rest of eternity mangled and rotting in a rat-infested dungeon _that even Kenren the bold was struck silent.

Next up was Homura. The beautifully dressed fighting god walked gracefully onto the stage in the pink kimono he wore earlier. The truth was, he hardly looked like the tragic fighting god everybody knew. He was more feminine than most of the contestants (even more than Tenpo, but of course, not more than Nataku). 

A slow, traditional melody began to play as Homura skillfully maneuvered his arms in a sensual dance (thank god for Lei, eh?). It was so expertly performed that a woman couldn't have done better. In fact, the crowd was in so much awe that no one spoke or moved until the whole performance was over. As soon as Homura was done the crowd exploded in applause (what, no roses?).

Soon enough, it was Nataku's turn. The child-like fighting god skipped onto the stage in a _fukku_ or Japanese high school uniform. The speakers boomed with a modern dance song. At first, Nataku danced in an "innocent-looking" way, but later, the crowd got … "suspicious". Nataku started to remove the ribbon that held his hair in a high ponytail, letting his silky black locks fall on his shoulders. 

A few of the soldiers started to wonder. "What the hell is he doing?"

Then, still swaying to the beat, Nataku started to remove his blazer…

"Wait a minute… he isn't…"

After that, Nataku began unbuttoning his blouse…

" Oh shit, he _is_!"

The crowd roared.

"You da man!"

"We love you, Nataku!!!"

"Bed me, Nataku, bed me!!"

(I think I'll give you the liberty of imagining what he did next…)


	5. And The Winners Are

V. And the Winners Are…

 It was finally time to announce the winners.

Egan replaced the last contestant on the stage and spoke. "After seeing all the contestants, the judges have finalized their decisions."

There was a drum roll as Egan lifted a card to read.

"The third runner-up, who will receive 2M Yen in cash is…Konzen Douji!"

A young deity walked up the stage to hand Konzen a bouquet of flowers, but he was eyed menacingly that he didn't dare even approach the fair-haired god.

The five others (magic 5), who stood on the stage, looked half- ecstatic and half-miserable. Ecstatic because they had a bigger chance of winning 5 million, but miserable because they also had a bigger chance of giving their friends a reason to tease them about being Tenkai's "prettiest" for the rest of their soon-to-be-damned lives.

Egan continued.

"The second runner-up, who will receive 3M Yen is…Tenpo Gensui!"

Tenpo smiled wide (doesn't he always?) and received his roses with mirth.

"Second runner-up is…Homura Tenno!"

Homura's eyes went wide for almost ten seconds, as the crowd went wild. Then as if he had just been granted full-pledge godliness, he walked over to be fitted his crown, but after three steps, she stepped on the hem of her skirt and tripped. He fell, very painfully and face-first, onto the wooden floors of the stage.

A few people gasped, while most laughed, but Homura stood up immediately, smiled as if nothing happened, and casually accepted his bouquet (no bloody nose?).

"And now… the winner of Tenkai's Cross-dressing Pageant…is…"

Every one held their breath…

"Toushin Nataku Taishi!"

Nataku blinked a couple of times. He didn't quite hear the whole thing, because as soon as the word 'Toushin' was said, the whole crowd went in an uproar that drowned Egan's last two words. Homura had to nudge him in the shoulder and whisper what was happening.

The child-like fighting god faked tears and wiped them in a mock impression of a female. After he was given his crown, which he didn't know was given a spell that made it stick to its wearer's head for a whole week (imagine when he finds out),  he waved all beauty-queen-like. The crowd roared even loader.

***

"AAAAAARGH!"

Nataku tried futilely to take the crown off, but it won't budge.  

"Damn thing!" he growled, walking around still in his gown. In fact, everyone still was.

The pageant had just finished, and the hubble which used to go on in the backstage turned into silent cleaning up.

 Homura tore every pin and pony from his hair; Shien wiped his face vigorously to remove any sign of make-up; Kenren slumped in a chair due to exhaustion. 

With the curtains drawn over them, no one noticed that the spectator outside still hadn't left the square. A very odd sensation swept over each of them…

"Close the damn curtains, will you? Some people are trying to undress here…" Konzen snapped, for he felt a draft. He turned his head to see if his order had been followed, but instead found that the curtains were opened on purpose.

Several men, each with an ill-omened and equally queer look in their faces, entered the stage through the parted curtains.

"What are you doing here?" Konzen inquired with irritation. 

None of them answered. Something was wrong. Terribly wrong.

Homura was severely shocked when someone grabbed him around the waist from behind.

"Come with me, dolly," the seemingly drugged deity muttered to Homura's ears.

Overcome with sudden rage, the still kimino-wearing god ripped himself from his captor and punched him square in the face.

"It's not enough to humiliate us on the stage, is it?" he said with gritted teeth.

"Homura!" called Tenpo a few meters away. "It's…it's more than that…" he added with a troubled tone.

The army marshall was surrounded by several men, and so were the others. What was weird was that Lei, who was in plain sight, wasn't.

"What's the meaning of this?" Konzen demanded. He was starting to get goose bumps.

The trespassers circled like wolves closing in for the kill. Suddenly, one of them grabbed Nataku's arm. Another grabbed the god's other arm and yelled, "NO! She's _mine_!"

"She?" Nataku muttered, a vein throbbing in his temple. "I…"

Nataku held his captor's wrists.

"…am…"

Both of them had their arms twisted so much they should have been ripped off.

"…a…"

With the speed he uses in battles, Nataku rammed his knee into one of the men's stomachs and then caught the other a very powerful kick that sent him flying more than five meters away.

"…boy!"

Before everyone knew it, the fighting gods, including the other contenders, were being attacked by a rabid mob. Still in their panty-hoses and ribbons, the gods fought like hell. But it seemed endless. There were too many. It seemed the entire younger and older generation of gods in Tenkai suddenly split and wanted to *gulp* "take liberties" with the cross-dressing contenders.

"This is crazy! What the hell got into everybody?" Tenpo wailed, climbing up the curtains like a cat. Outnumbered and tired, escape was the next solution.

"They've split." Konzen muttered, knocking a man out cold. "They've all split."

The Gensui still held on, but the hooks supporting the curtains gave way, sending Tenpo to a horrible-looking sea of waiting arms. 

"AAAAAH!"

"This is a dream… it's a dream…" Nataku repeated to himself as he fled from a very large mob. 

The once clean and neat appearance turned to a ragged one. His jacket had been ripped off, his pony snapped, and his hair flew behind him like a sea of black.

The fighting god ran even faster when he looked back. He swerved into a narrow street and then wound though the streets of Tenkai, finally jumping into a door and locking it behind it.

He turned around and watched his pursuers through the keyhole as they ran past.

"Thank god…" he sighed, not remembering he was one, as he collapsed on the floor.

Homura was also trying to handle his own mob. Swaying in his _obi_ (Japanese 6-inch slippers), he ran like hell. 

Giving up on his foot war, he removed them and threw them behind him, hitting two of his pursuers in the head. He took a moment to look behind him, and when he returned to facing in front of him, Egan Gyouja suddenly appeared in front of him.

"Come to me, my prettyling," Egan said, his arms outstretched, his eyes just like the maniacs behind him.

Homura didn't have enough time to avoid him.

"I've been waiting…"Nataku heared a voice spoke.

The fighting god didn't quite realize until then what kind of place he was in. It was pitch dark, and the only light was from a small, high window. The only sound to be heared was the heaving of Nataku's exhausted breath and another one, only whoever it was didn't sound tired.

"Who's that?" Nataku half-said.

Out of the shadows came Hojun. But it didn't look like Hojun. His hair was wet with perspiration and dangled over his face. He was topless and sweaty and reeked of some other thing Nataku couldn't figure out what.

"Ho-Hojun?"

The west dragon king gave a scary, thin-lipped smile. "Now, you're mine."

A sudden feeling of fear swept over Nataku as he realized what was happening. He scrambled up and fiddled with the doorknob, but it couldn't be opened from the inside.

Hojun neared.

"Noooooo!"

Somewhere, a few miles away, Tenpo and Homura screamed with the same, high-pitched scream of terror.

***

"Ano…" Jiroushin muttered, approaching his master, who was, as usual, lounging on her chair. "That 'incident' yesterday, it didn't have anything to do with that powder I saw you drop into the punch, was it?"

Kanzeonbosatsu didn't face her servant and smiled mischievously. 

"Maybe…"

Jiroushin sighed. Good thing _he_ didn't drink it.

-end-

Liu Wei(brings brows together): What _did _you put into the punch, anyway?

Kanzeon( smiles): A hallucinogen-type aphrodesiac. Very effective.

Liu Wei: …

Kanzeon: Want some?

Liu Wei: O_O… Err… no thanks…


End file.
